Last Mom Standing

A couple of months ago, my family and I were watching the latest season of Survivor, as we always do. During the reward and immunity challenges, my husband could be heard muttering “I could totally win this”, as he always does. I, on the other hand, am not at all interested in being a contestant. Why, you ask? Being on the show would be a combination of many of my worst fears, the top three being: bugs, lack of bathroom facilities, and foregoing deodorant.

So we’re watching Survivor and I’m wondering – what if there was a reality show for moms? Not the ones where the moms switch places or have British nannies come and discipline their kids, but something along the lines of Survivor, complete with challenges and tribal councils. Oh yeah – and a 20 million dollar prize. After taxes.

First order of business would be to cast the host. My vote would be for Ben Stiller. AND – as previously stated, I am not a fan of bugs or going potty out-of-doors, so I think it would be best all around if the show took place within a mansion compound.

Aside from the twenty million dollars, some of the smaller prizes might be:

- Uninterrupted sleep for a year.
- A minivan that looks nothing like a minivan.
- Regular date nights AND Mom’s Night Out.
- When you say “Calgon take me away”, it would actually happen.
- A patience bucket with free refills.
- The answer to any question a child may ask .

And of course, the challenges…how about:

- Cooking a four course meal with one arm while soothing a colicky infant. (includes the chopping of vegetables).
- Grocery shopping with a group of hungry toddlers who have missed their nap. No bribery with candy and/or toys allowed.
- Going on a 15 hour flight with an infant who develops GI distress along the way.
- Changing a diaper blowout using only one wipe.
- Keeping a baby perfectly quiet while conducting a business call.
- Getting a two year old to eat 5 veggie servings each day for a week.
- Singing The Wheels on the Bus 147 times in a row.
- Spending two hours in a doctor’s waiting room with only your car keys as entertainment.
- Having a sixteen year old drive you around for the day – including freeways and plenty of merges, lane changes and parallel parking. No speaking or hand gestures allowed.

Mark Burnett, if you are reading this, why yes, of course I would love to work with you and produce this show. Thanks for asking!