Friday, July 17, 2009

Lordy Lordy, Look Who’s Forty!

Not me, that’s who! Not yet, anyway. It’s on my mind quite a bit these days, but not because I’m conCERNED about it, mind you. OR – it’s possible that I am in denial about being in denial.

Recently, thanks to a certain social networking site, I've reconnected with dozens of long lost relatives, friends, and classmates. And an interesting thing started happening. One by one, my old classmates are reaching that big milestone. The Big Four-Oh. I just don’t see how that’s possible. I mean, we just graduated high school a few (21!) years ago, right? Right?!

On one hand, I keep reading (in magazines for women over 40) that forty is the new 30. That works for me. When I look in the mirror – not too closely and certainly not a magnified one! – I see…me. Just me. Not a 30 year old, not a 40 year old. Just the same person I see everyday. They say that when you see someone every single day, you don’t notice any changes. So I’m kind of wondering how I may look to people who haven’t seen me in say – 20 years. And how much do I care? Is turning 40 really that big of a deal?

Yes. Yes, it is. Here’s the thing: 20 years ago, I was 18 years old. It seems simple, no? You would think. My brain tells me that if 20 years ago I was 18, then I am no longer 18. If I do the math, I understand that on paper, I am a few months shy of 39. I may even be considered MIDDLE-AGED. But I can’t wrap my mind around this information. It’s not that I don’t WANT to be 38. I just don’t see how it’s possible.

I clearly remember being 9 years old and giddy with the thought of turning double digits. After that – I couldn't wait to turn 13. Then 16, 18, 21. 25 was the last birthday I was rushing to reach. As I see 40 looming ahead in the not-too-distant future I’m more like “you know what? I’ll just get out here and walk the rest of the way, thanks.”

So yes – turning 40 is a big deal because really – if 20 years flew by that fast, doesn’t that mean 60 is just around the corner?

I think with this realization comes a tweaked attitude toward life in general. I think when women are turning 40, they try to experience the events of their life in greater detail (you’ve heard of scrapbooking, yes?) They strengthen close bonds and understand who they want in their innermost circles. They are more direct about what they want and need from their relationships. There is more confidence to be who you want to be, even if a magazine didn’t feature that person in the last 3 months. For me, there is the urge to come full circle and tell the twenty-somethings to "enjoy each day because time goes by in the blink of an eye." and actually enjoy the eyerolls this elicits.

When I was entering Kindergarten, my parents had the choice between sending me when I was 4, or waiting a year. (I have one of those fall birthdays.) They chose to send me. What this means is that I am one of the younger ones in my graduating class. In other words – I’ll be one of the last to turn 40 in that particular group.

I liken this to waiting in line to walk over hot coals. I am filled with nervous excitement as I watch others go before me, but I don’t know exactly how I’ll feel when my turn comes. I’m pretty sure I’ll be one of the ones to suck it up and run across without making a peep, but we’ll see. Considering all other options though – I am Oh so grateful for the opportunity.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Funniest Five Momfinitions

1) McGuyverMom – A mom who can craft toys, snacks, first aid supplies, and entertainment using only the contents of her diaper bag/purse. Example: “Today I McguyverMommed a bandaid out of a sticker and the corner of a diaper”

2) FreefoodLoader – A mom who takes her kids to stores that hand out free food samples and uses that as a meal. Example: (overheard by store employee) “Oh look. It’s 12:30 – here come all the FreefoodLoading moms for lunch now….”

3) Momnesia – A disorder that strikes new moms, causing them to find themselves wearing slippers to work, giving a bottle to the 8 year old and a juice box to the 6 month old and host of other funny and not so funny mishaps. Example: “Did you hear about Sally’s Momnesia? Apparently she went to the store wearing her bra OVER her shirt. The poor dear….”

4) UhOh! – The sound a child makes before all h-e-double hockeysticks breaks loose. Usually involves the spilling of something red or purple, the breaking of something sentimental, or a bodily function performed after child has secretly removed their own diaper in another room. No example necessary.

5) Intiminoid – The distinct feeling you get when having romantic moments with your significant other that one of the kids will barge in at any moment. Example: (parents are enjoying some alone time after kids have gone to bed) MOM: “What was that? Did you hear that? I think I heard Billy Jr. call for me” DAD: “C’mon now…stop being so intiminoid!”

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Friday, July 10, 2009

Last Mom Standing

A couple of months ago, my family and I were watching the latest season of Survivor, as we always do. During the reward and immunity challenges, my husband could be heard muttering “I could totally win this”, as he always does. I, on the other hand, am not at all interested in being a contestant. Why, you ask? Being on the show would be a combination of many of my worst fears, the top three being: bugs, lack of bathroom facilities, and foregoing deodorant.

So we’re watching Survivor and I’m wondering – what if there was a reality show for moms? Not the ones where the moms switch places or have British nannies come and discipline their kids, but something along the lines of Survivor, complete with challenges and tribal councils. Oh yeah – and a 20 million dollar prize. After taxes.

First order of business would be to cast the host. My vote would be for Ben Stiller. AND – as previously stated, I am not a fan of bugs or going potty out-of-doors, so I think it would be best all around if the show took place within a mansion compound.

Aside from the twenty million dollars, some of the smaller prizes might be:

- Uninterrupted sleep for a year.
- A minivan that looks nothing like a minivan.
- Regular date nights AND Mom’s Night Out.
- When you say “Calgon take me away”, it would actually happen.
- A patience bucket with free refills.
- The answer to any question a child may ask .

And of course, the challenges…how about:

- Cooking a four course meal with one arm while soothing a colicky infant. (includes the chopping of vegetables).
- Grocery shopping with a group of hungry toddlers who have missed their nap. No bribery with candy and/or toys allowed.
- Going on a 15 hour flight with an infant who develops GI distress along the way.
- Changing a diaper blowout using only one wipe.
- Keeping a baby perfectly quiet while conducting a business call.
- Getting a two year old to eat 5 veggie servings each day for a week.
- Singing The Wheels on the Bus 147 times in a row.
- Spending two hours in a doctor’s waiting room with only your car keys as entertainment.
- Having a sixteen year old drive you around for the day – including freeways and plenty of merges, lane changes and parallel parking. No speaking or hand gestures allowed.

Mark Burnett, if you are reading this, why yes, of course I would love to work with you and produce this show. Thanks for asking!