Sunday, June 14, 2009
Scenes from the Frozen Foods Aisle
When: Saturday morning
Where: By the frozen dinners at the local supermarket.
Mom (played by me)
Dad (played by my husband)
Boy (played by our 8 year old son)
MOM: Hey! Lean Cuisines are on sale. 5 for 11 bucks – woo hoo!
BOY: Can I pick one out?
MOM: Ok. Which one do you want?
BOY: That one (points). The shrimp alfredo.
MOM: (laughing) That’s SHRIMP ALFREDO. It’s shrimp with BROCCOLI in a CREAM sauce. Are you sure you don’t want a pizza?
BOY: NO. I want the shrimp alfredo.
DAD: You understand that if you pick that one, you will have to EAT it, right?
BOY: YES! I love shrimp alfredo.
Fast forward to dinner time.
BOY: Say, Mom – can I have my shrimp alfredo now?
Mom heats it up and serves it to the child. Approximately three and a half seconds pass.
BOY: I’m still hungry. What else can I eat?
MOM: (Leans over and peers into the boy’s dish) You didn’t finish your meal.
BOY: Yes I did! I ate all the shrimp. I don’t like the broccoli and noodles.
DAD: Didn’t I tell you at the store – if you pick that meal, you will have to eat it?
BOY: Well, yeeeeesss. But I only wanted the shrimp.
DAD: You will have to eat the broccoli and pasta too.
BOY: It tastes gross.
DAD: TOUGH. You need to learn that we don’t waste food. You’ll eat it.
BOY: That’s okay. Mom can have it.
DAD: Sorry, but you will NOTHING ELSE until you finish this meal.
BOY: FINE! (Begins to eat. Then gag. Then cry while gagging. He flings fork around, conveniently flicking pieces of broccoli and noodles to the floor) I can’t eat it. I’m gagging. It won’t go down!
MOM: (who has just written a piece on Sensory Processing Disorder) I don’t think he can physically eat it. He’s gagging! He’s going to vomit! I don’t want any vomit.
DAD: He’s FINE. He’s going to eat it. (Turning to son) I REPEAT – you will have NOTHING ELSE until you finish this meal and THAT IS FINAL.
More crying. More gagging. A lot more gagging.
SON: I can’t! It won’t go DOWN. You don’t understand! The texture! It’s slimy! I’ll throw up!
MOM: I really don’t like throw up.
DAD: (turns to son) Then you may go to bed now. (Crying fades up the stairs….)
Fast forward to next day. 1 PM. Boy still has not eaten the leftover Lean Cuisine. Breakfast of banana and yogurt was allowed due to morning hockey game. Grandma arrives for brief visit. Boy catches Grandma up on the events of the previous day and the cruelty of the parents. Grandma thinks Dad (her son) is being too harsh after finding out post hockey game donut was denied. Dad escorts Grandma to the door, assuring her he will be victorious.
DAD: Don’t worry. He’s going to eat it.
MOM: He’s not going to eat it. Tomorrow is a school day. We HAVE to feed him!
DAD: HE WILL EAT IT.
DAD: (Sautees the meal in butter and sprinkles with salt) There is a 4:25 showing of X-Men Origins: Wolverine. If you eat this now, we can still make the movie.
Fast forward to 6:45 pm. Two happy boys return from the movies.
When I'm wrong, I say I'm wrong. Not always out loud. No need to advertise.
Scene that you did not see:
DAD: Do NOT blog about me.
MOM: Wouldn’t dream of it.